Articles

Rage.

Rage All consuming, all destroying, not for those who inflict the pain that causes it, only for those unlucky enough to feel it. You destroy everything you love in this world just by feeling it. and I have. I have lost everything I held dear to me. My wife, my perfect little family. It’s gone. Every day I want to hurt myself and those who inflicted this on me. Its so unfair and unjust that I have to bare the brunt of a bunch of fucking cowards who wouldn’t last one fucking day in my shoes, they pop their champaign and celebrate the oppression of a marginalised group.

CW: Suicidal thoughts pt.2

Where am I now? I’m not where I’m meant to be. Simple. Right? no I have thoughts of ending it every day. I also have to reset my self harm free counter. I’m ashamed. I held the knife to end my life Friday 24th of January 2025. I had notes written and posted on 2 doors before the room where I was, just so no one I love had to see me and the blood.

Hopeless

Theres that black hole of dispair. The one that sits and sucks me dry of all joy and hopefulness. I lose my job in 3 days, the household income is dropping by 55k combined, I’m so cooked. I don’t know how I’ll be paying bills for the forseable. I was told that I would be brought on as a permanant employee, but two weeks before that was due, suddenly there was no budget.

My Dream

I am in a STEM field, tech, I don’t really know how I ended up here. Was it because I conflated my love of tech as a hobby? Or was it me wanting to be different from my Arts family? Both. When you live my life, would you want to be the same as the people who constantly tried to put you into a box where you didn’t fit? I didn’t.

CW: Suicidal Thoughts

My experiences. I am no where near free of the burden of suicidal thoughts or idealisation, however I have gotten better at coping (for the most part). I have asked the question “Can I truly be free from this?” many times over the years, and sadly I don’t have the answer. In the past 10 years I’ve acted on these thoughts about 10 times, all times were impulsive. First time. The first time I was only 13 years old, crushed by the pressures of the church and family.

About Me

Who am I? The age old question of “Who Am I?” Ask a unix like system and it’ll answer easily. Us humans aren’t truly capable of answering that without deep personal reflection. Me. I’m a 23 year old trans woman. I’m not too far into my physical transition (thanks NHS), I have been on HRT for 4 months (21-12-24). Myself. Who knows who I am as a person, I sure as hell don’t, hence why I created this garden.

Hopeless

Planted December 10, 2024

Theres that black hole of dispair. The one that sits and sucks me dry of all joy and hopefulness.

I lose my job in 3 days, the household income is dropping by 55k combined, I’m so cooked. I don’t know how I’ll be paying bills for the forseable.

I was told that I would be brought on as a permanant employee, but two weeks before that was due, suddenly there was no budget. I carefully apply to job after job, but it’s all rejections. Right before christmas is such a shitty time to let someone go.

I lose my private healthcare as well, so I cannot see my therapist nor endo anymore.

wtf do i do…………..

no point anymore it seems

My life was going okay, I was finally making friends, finally getting out the hole of depression.

The crushing reality of the job market is setting in.

I want to be done…. I can’t though. As I write this my 3 year old is eating breakfast before I take him to nursery, he’s so innocent, happy over the smallest thing.

I hope I can save myself so I can save him. It’s hard to do so when all I see is pain and suffering.